THE TEN BEST SYSTEMS!
SONY'S
PLAYSTATION... Sony may have used low-brow
advertising, rehashes of popular Sega games, and big boobies
to make the Playstation a success, but the system itself has
held onto its fans even after games like Toshinden and Lara
Croft (and the stars of both titles) started to sag. Its
versatile hardware is part of the reason why... programmers
who really know the Playstation can make it perform at or near
the level of its more specialized competitors, the Saturn and
the Nintendo 64. The Playstation is also absurdly easy
to program, which would definitely explain why the system's
software library is in the high hundreds right now.
Finally, there's a lot of variety and innovation in that huge
selection of games... you get everything from your typical
Super Mario Bros. and Sonic rip-offs (*cough* Crash Bandicoot
*cough*) to music games that test your rhythm and even your
composing skills (Um Jammer Lammy and MTV Music
Generator). It's for these reasons that the Playstation
is as likely to be perched on the average person's television
set as the NES was back in the late 1980's.
COLECO'S COLECOVISION...
Powered by a high-octane Z80A identical to the one used in
the semi-successful TI 99/4A computer, the ColecoVision
introduced gamers to a whole new level of play much like the
Genesis and 3DO did years later, with fully detailed
backgrounds, a duo-tone music synthesizer, and sprites, an
important innovation that's still a cornerstone of graphic
presentation in the game systems of today. Dozens of faithful
coin-op translations make the ColecoVision an ideal system for
those of you who ache for the games of the past but refuse to
sacrifice good graphics and sound to play them. An annoying
knob controller (the likes of which could be found on a
multitude of systems- yikes!) sours the fun a little, but
break out a Sega 6-Button Arcade Pad and presto! No problem
(on SOME games, anyhow...). If you find one at a pawn shop or
garage sale, pick it up.
SEGA'S GENESIS... Out of the
hands of one of the world's most inept video game companies
comes pure poetry in motion, the Genesis. Who'd have thunk it?
The first true 16-bit system didn't exactly strut its stuff in
the 80's, but that was to change once Sega picked up some
decent third party support (it's quite possible that the
system would have died as horrible a death as its ancestor,
the Master System, had Electronic Arts not lost interest in
the NES and signed on as a Genesis licensee). Polished, arcade
quality visuals, a sleek design, and a successful ad campaign
all helped the Genesis pick up momentum and eventually tail
and overtake Nintendo, even after their oft-rumored Super NES
was released. It wasn't until 1992 that Sega dropped the ball,
relying more on saucy ad campaigns and American game designers
than actual substance and allowing the still-powerful Nintendo
to get their hands on Street Fighter 2... and things haven't
been the same for the Genesis since. The prozines won't give
it an iota of respect these days, and even Sega's turned
against it, driving a wedge in Genesis sales by offering up a
deluge of useless "upgrades" that have only succeeded in
making their set look less capable. And yet it's in this
column. Why? Because, as small basement design firms and
gigantic industry leaders alike have proven countless times,
the Genesis can still kick @$$ no matter WHAT it's pitted up
against. Witness Red Zone, a military combat title by Zyrinx
that offers players full motion video compression, complete
real-time parallax, full-screen vector rotation and
transparent imagery. Or Gunstar Heroes, Treaure's Contra clone
which pits you against meticulously animated monstrocities
which fill nearly 1/2 the playfield. Or Tiny Toons: Acme
All-Stars, Sparkster, and Street Fighter 2: Special
Championship Edition; all games that benefit from terrific
design and are just damned fun to play. It just goes to show-
no matter how hard certain idiots try, there's just no way to
kill good hardware. Kiss my butt, EGM! Like it or not, the
Genesis will live on!!!
ATARI'S 2600/VCS... Whatever
you call it, Atari's 2600 is without a doubt one of the best
systems in history, although few people will accredit this
fact to the machine's, uh, technological muscle. Truth is,
every classic on this most primal of classic sets was
hard-earned- the 2600's ancient 6507 processor was not by ANY
means a lot of fun to program due to its age and many quirks.
But, hey, however the Cranes and Robinettes of the day
managed, they did, and it really shows in some of the system's
games. The cream of the crop, titles by Activision, Sega and
Atari themselves, had just the right blend of simple,
no-nonsense action and eye-pleasing graphics to keep pre-crash
gamers engrossed for hours at a time. Hell, they're still a
lot of fun NOW! Yes, for every good 2600 game available,
fly-by-nighters like Data Age and Telesys would respond with a
dud, and no, you're not going to find a lot of 2600 games with
knock-out graphics (there are exceptions... Solaris, Midnight
Magic, and Pitfall! are all very attractive, even by early NES
standards), but for the price ($1-$2 a game typically), you
can't go wrong with a 2600. SO GO BUY ONE!!! So much for
subtlity...
NINTENDO'S SUPER NES... This
was often the object of my intense hatred in a good many
issues of my previous fanzine, Project:Ignition, but I must in
all honesty admit that, from a purely technological
standpoint, the SNES deserves to be here as well. I mean, for
a humble 16-bitter (HUMBLE 16-bitter? Geez, I'm acting as if
it's already heading for the can... what am I saying? Pretty
much what Sega's been, and THAT'S scary, to be sure...), this
puppy can cook audiovisually. Some recent releases have looked
a tad grainy, but considering what the system's been able to
do in delivering arcade-quality graphics, I won't complain
much. One BIG problem with the SNES, aside from the fact that
the #$%*^! thing horned in on the Genesis' success in the
early 90's, is its controller and the way that it literally
hobbles the characters in some games, like SF2, for instance.
And even in games that aren't handicapped by the controller,
you'll notice that they generally aren't as engrossing,
intuitive, or as enjoyable as similar Genesis titles. Still,
some great things are planned for the system in the coming
months, so hold on to it or pick a used one up soon.
NINTENDO'S GAME BOY
ADVANCE... I've been waiting a long time for
this, but at last, there's a Game Boy out there that I can be
proud to own. Unlike the Game Boy Color, which was
arguably a step BACK for portable technology, Nintendo spent a
lot of time perfecting the Game Boy Advance hardware.
Now, instead of having to scale back every aspect of their
games, designers are free to include everything from subtle
shading to dynamic scaling and rotation effects. Better
yet, the Game Boy Advance has brought more substance to
portable gaming... Castlevania: Circle of the Moon and Super
Mario Advance feel like complete games, unlike their
counterparts on the original Game Boy, which were stripped
down to the very basics. The only real strikes against
the Game Boy Advance are its screen (tough to see and not
large enough for some games) and the system's stiff,
unresponsive D-pad. However, when it comes to both
quality hardware and software, the GBA hits it out of the park
and into the next state.
SEGA'S SATURN... Despite
almost nil support from Sega of America, which dropped the
system in favor of the equally unsuccessful Dreamcast, the
Sega Saturn deserves credit here anyways for its long list of
excellent arcade-quality 2D games. Titles like Street Fighter
Alpha 2, Bust-A-Move Arcade Edition, and NightWarriors have
proved that the Saturn is clearly the player's choice for
sterling coin-op translations, as these games contain more
animation, better control, and less access time than their
Playstation counterparts. Even 3D titles like Resident Evil
(practically identical to the Playstation version) and Virtua
Fighter 2 (still hands down the best polygonal fighting game
on the market) shine on the Saturn, despite over- exaggerated
claims from the electronic gaming media that the system
couldn't handle these games. With its dim future, I don't
recommend buying a Saturn if you don't already have a
Playstation, but if you've got the money to burn and are
interested in the best and most solidly designed fighting and
action games this side of Aladdin's Castle, you'll find that
the Saturn is (warning: bad pun ahead) out of this world.
SNK'S NEO-GEO... I can't say
much for the brand spankin' new CD version of what's easily
the most powerful of the 16-bit machines, as I haven't played
it, but believe me, this one's more than enough for me. When
you're talking 330 megabits of possible memory, CD-quality
sound thanks to FIFTEEN sound channels, and a graphics engine
so sophisticated, it has no actual concrete limitations (these
are programmed in depending on the requirements of each
individual game and may vary wildly), how CAN'T you get
excited about the Neo-Geo?! The design of the home system
itself is rather flimsy, and its library is glutted with
tourney fighting games thanks to the success of Street Fighter
2, but hey, it's got the most solid software line-up of any
system in history (the games HAVE to be good if they're
passing for arcade titles!), and you get a lot of power under
that poorly crafted hood. If SNK would figure out a way to
consolidate this "custom-made and highly expensive" hardware
and sell it for the same price as the "64-bit" Atari Jaguar,
they'd make a killing, but as good as it is, the Neo-Geo will
never sell at its current price.
SEGA'S DREAMCAST...
Perhaps it's a little early to put this one on the list, but
the Dreamcast already has a more impressive library of games
than the four year old Nintendo 64, which fired out of the
starting gate with Super Mario 64 but hasn't moved much since.
And even though the Dreamcast hardware is several years older
than the Playstation 2's, it seems better balanced, with
built-in anti-aliasing to smooth out the graphics and more
video RAM to handle them. The only real bummer about the
Dreamcast is its controller, which isn't worth two squirts of
freshly squeezed ween juice if you're playing anything but
Crazy Taxi. Worse yet, the problem can only be partially
remedied by purchasing ASCII's (cheaply made) fighting game
pad or a controller convertor, since neither offer the full
analog control required by some Dreamcast titles. Still,
the Dreamcast offers a lot of power for a reasonable price...
and not just for the customers, either. Developers can
port computer games to the system in a matter of weeks rather
than having to start from scratch, and this should keep game
manufacturers interested in the Dreamcast even after the
Playstation 2 and its hype machine comes rolling into
town. Well, er, it WOULD have, if Sega had stuck with
the system rather than slithering away less a year after the
Playstation 2 was released. Oh well, the Dreamcast is
still worth picking up, and it'll be an absolute steal around
Christmas, when the price dips to $50.
NINTENDO'S NES... Much of
what I'd said about the 2600 applies here, although where the
2600 invented the concept of mainstream-oriented
cartridge-based video gaming, the NES resurrected it. And
reinvented it, obviously- the VCR-ish top loading deck, unique
system design, ergonomic joypads, and arcade-quality games
that broke the 64K barrier were all like nothing U.S. gamers
had seen before, yet became so popular that nobody would dare
go back to the old way of life. Well, maybe not the
top-loading part... this was an NES-exclusive feature that
made the loading of cartridges such a frustrating experience
that Nintendo itself released a new model to remedy this (tip-
don't buy one. It WILL NOT WORK with the Game Genie, and
that's one device you'll want to hold on to if you own an
NES). But the software itself is fab. There were plenty of
big-name titles with great play and fine audiovisuals
available for the NES that simply blew away similar games for
the machine's competitors. And talk about variety! You name
it, the NES has got it- there are titles dealing with
everything from tarot (Taboo) to hackysack (California Games)
to Go (Othello) to party games (Anticipation) to obscure game
shows (Remote Control) to porn/casino crossovers (Hot Slots).
Whew! Of course, there were also plenty of games released that
NOBODY would want, mostly by the likes of Pony Canyon,
Acclaim, and T*HQ, but no doubt about it, for sheer game
quantity and quality, it's not easy to top the NES.
HONORABLE MENTIONS... Sega's
Game Gear, the Atari 5200, and the Neo-Geo Pocket. I was
disappointed with SNK's handheld system at first... after all,
when you hear the term "Neo-Geo" you expect vivid, incredibly
detailed graphics and terrific sound, and the Neo-Geo Pocket
doesn't really offer either. However, the system
does have a lot of fun games, usually with a staggering
amount of options. And just like its big brother, the
Neo-Geo Pocket really is the king of fighters... Match of the
Millennium is arguably better than the DREAMCAST version of
SNK vs. Capcom, and even the system's most mediocre fighting
games (Fatal Fury: First Contact and Last Blade come to mind)
are more than a match for Street Fighter Alpha on the GameBoy
Color, an obviously compromised translation of the arcade game
with almost as many memorable moments as CBS's Saturday night
crap-o-rama (thank you, Bart Simpson).
And now (you knew this part was
coming up...), here are the systems that we to this day wish
would NOT have raised their ugly heads. These are the scums of
the Earth, the cream of the crap, the worms in the Big Apple,
the... um, gristle in your grade-A T-Bone... the... the...
THE TEN WORST SYSTEMS OF ALL
TIME!!!
ZIRCON'S FAIRCHILD CHANNEL
F... Huh huh. Huh huh huh. This sucks. And does it EVER...
I mean, I realize that in the early 80's, everyone wanted a
piece of the video game industry, and many tried to get in on
the action by spending as little money as possible, but even
still, that was no excuse for THIS. First released with a
built-in one channel buzzer and hardwired controllers, this
torture device was responsible for some of the most simplistic
software known to man or beast, including Dodge-It (where a
dot must dodge bouncing dots in a claustrophobic room) and in
its final hours, Checkers. I can almost see the Zircon board
room now...
"Chairman! Our product's going down
the drain and we're losing revenue at a breakneck pace! WHAT
DO WE DO!?!"
"Calm down, Sinkowitz. There's only one game
that can save us now, and that's..."
"You mean that
incredible full-screen 3-D title where the guy runs around
blowing up demons? Or the game where you choose from 8 martial
artists and toss fireballs at each other?"
"No, you fool.
That garbage doesn't have any future and you damned well know
it. I'm talking about the one incredible game that will SAVE
THIS COMPANY! You know, the game of
kings!"
"Chess?"
"No, you imbecile! CHECKERS!
CHECKERS!!! Only CHECKERS can save us now!!!"
Well, thankfully, it didn't. You
might want one for trade purposes (it's got a decent value in
the "Digital Press Price Guide", don'cha know), but aside from
that, I wouldn't bother toying with it.
SEGA'S MASTER SYSTEM... Am I
ever going to get flack for this! Oh well. It still blows. You
may wonder why I gave the Game Gear an honorable mention and
put this here in contrast, dispite the fact that both systems
are more or less identical in respects to hardware. And the
answer to that, my fine feathered fiend, is obvious: it's all
in the games. For some strange reason, the Master System never
had 'em; or good ones, anyhow, and the Game Gear does. But
why? Well, one would be led to believe that Tonka's
irresponsible handling of Sega of America at the beginning of
the Master System's not-so-illustrious career would be a
primary factor, but system limitations in respects to audio
and Nintendo's success in locking out juicier licenses
definately play a part as well. No matter. Whatever the
reason, the fact remains- most Master System titles are
entirely devoid of competant level design and consistant play
engines, with graphics that literally look as though a child
had designed them and sound as only a limited Z80A processor
(already swamped with innumerable other tasks) can offer. The
saving graces to the SMS were few and far between, although
Sega's 3-D imager was capable of incredibly realistic graphic
effects when coupled with titles like Space Harrier 3-D, and
the company's Light Phaser product generally outclassed
Nintendo's Zapper with better performance and classier looks.
But everything else about this ill-fated (thankfully) machine
would lead any sane and reasoning gamer to believe that its
distant second place in the 8-bit wars was well deserved. Save
your bucks and buy a Game Gear instead.
MILTON BRADLEY'S
MICROVISION... If you gag at the mere thought of the Game
Boy, consider this frightening prospect- there was a
monochromatic portable game system back in the early 80's that
was inferior to the systems of the time much like the Game Boy
is to the NES. Yes, I'm talking about none other than the
fantabulous (!?) Milton Bradley MicroVision, the failed
experiment in cart-based on the fly gaming that paved the way
for the portable systems revolution. Taking on the appearance
of a very long ColecoVision controller (and we all remember
how FUN those were to use, right?), the MicroVision used
cartridges that doubled as overlays, thus making them as long
as the system itself (so much for convenience...). The player
was required to play all of the MV games with a simple dial
control and 6 membrane keys, which wasn't really a problem
since many of its titles were so astoundingly simplistic, and
viewed the action through a tiny, low-resolution screen.
Sound? Don't even bring it up. Even for the time and at
liquidation prices of $5 apiece just years after the crash of
1984, the MicroVision just wasn't worth bothering with, and
still isn't to this day, unless you've just gotta have every
ancient game system ever released or you're dying to play a
Breakout clone (which is included with the system, FYI) and
Alleyway on the GameBoy is just too darned complex for your
tastes.
EMERSON'S ARCADIA 2001... In
the early 80's, when far superior sets like the 5200 and
ColecoVision were already making their debutes, Emerson had
the oh-so-bright idea of releasing a game system that wasn't
even as good as the 2600 or Intellivision once they realized
just what a cash cow the industry was. After bullying
Supercharger inventors Starpath to change their names from
Arcadia, they set out to perform their evil deed and released
the Arcadia 2001 to a VERY unreceptive audience. After months
of such deafening uninterest, Emerson scrambled to come up
with ways to give its set more appeal, lowering the price to a
dumbfounding $30 and licensing coin-ops from the likes of
Tehkan and Konami. But even the mighty Konami, the company
that later helped turn the NES into a pop culture icon,
couldn't bring the Arcadia to life, and Emerson finally
scrapped the whole idea and stepped out of the electronic game
business, never to return. Well, enough of the history lesson.
How was the system itself? Terrible, frankly. Although it
looks attractive on a shelf, the Emerson Arcadia hardware is
inept at best, typically displaying microscopic, monocolor
characters and playing one-channel music that combined would
drive less tolerant players out of their minds. The games
certainly made no attempt to disguise the set's inadequacies,
and were generally downright strange variations of familiar
coin-ops- and those names! Space Vultures? Tanks A Lot?! And
Funky Fish!? OK, well, the latter's catchy, but still...
Anyhow, suffice it to say, you'd be much better off with a
2600 than with this, so buy that instead.
TIGER'S GAME.COM... It
sounded like Tiger's fledgeling game system had a chance when
the reports came in from E3... Next Generation and Ultra Game
Players trumpeted its Internet capabilities, extensive use of
speech, and an impressive translation of Duke Nukem 3D, and
the much-heralded built-in user interface and touch-sensitive
screen raised a lot of eyebrows in the portable gaming
community. Sadly, it turns out that you can even tell from the
commercials that all the hype was totally unmerited. Games
like Sonic (another example of Sega's treasonous approach to
customer service... "Hey, we've got our own handheld game
system... so why don't we release a new Sonic game for a
competitor's?" With all the PC games they've been releasing,
it's a wonder they even remember that they MAKE their own game
systems... but I digress), Indy 500, and Mortal Kombat Trilogy
look great on paper but are astoundingly choppy, even in
comparison to their Game Boy counterparts. Plus, the touch
sensitive screen is a complete wash: it's admirable how the
Game.Com operating system uses it so extensively, but it's
impossible to actually draw with it as the screen isn't
accurate to the pixel like a true Personal Data Assistant. In
short, Game.Com Game.Sucks. Buy a Game Gear instead.
ATARI'S JAGUAR... Now
HERE'S a next generation game system with just the right
price... at $160, the Jaguar sounds like quite a steal. I'm
sure people felt the same way about the Turbografx way back in
1990, too, but I digress... Judging from the Jaguar's rather
inergonomic design, one would assume that Atari hasn't learned
a thing from the 1984 crash, and... one would be right,
because it doesn't stop there. Not only is the Jaguar itself
unsavory in appearance, its controllers, which resemble
frisbees on an eating binge, are a complete and unadulterated
pain in the ass to use, just like the joysticks for the 5200
(yes, they even share the same useless keypads), and the games
available for it just reek of Atari's painfully low budget (it
doesn't take a genius to figure out that each 'world' in
Trevor McFur was in fact only 3 screens of art chained
together, for instance), an ailment brought on by the
company's many past failures. I'm sure people will tell me to
lighten up in respects to the Jag, as after all, Atari WAS the
first to legitimize the EG industry, and it's not sporting to
kick a man when he's down... but then again, I doubt any of
these guys are exactly running out to buy the system
themselves. A BIG thumbs down for this one.
MAGNAVOX'S ODYSSEY2... There
are a great many people who take the flexibility of today's
systems for granted, but I highly doubt that anyone who's ever
owned an Odyssey2 would be amoung them. Strangely, this
machine actually relies primarily on preprogrammed characters
for its graphics, and as one would imagine, this puts serious
constraints on the programmers' ability to truly differentiate
one title from the next artistically. While one has to ask
just what kind of twisted logic would conclude that nobody
would notice this, this wasn't the Odyssey's only flaw; no
sirree! It also had the problems of pathetic third party
support (frankly, they were lucky to just get Imagic and
Parker Bros. [overseas]!), a finger-spraining membrane
keyboard, incompatibility with joysticks from other systems,
North American Phillips' insistance on giving all of the
system's games science fiction overtones, and some very
strange and simplistic game themes (War of Nerves! is an
EXCELLENT example of this) to contend with! While not a total
flop and sometimes actually a tad amusing at times (the Voice,
Master Strategy, and Challenge series of games are all pretty
cool considering...), the Odyssey2 was just too low on the
pre-crash EG food chain and has too many flaws to be of any
real worth to all but the most adventurous of game collectors.
SEGA'S 32X: Shoot me.
I mean, really, wasn't the Sega CD a big enough flop for these
idiots!? Now we're forced to witness the advent of an even
less useful upgrade, an extra 68000 processor that the host
system barely uses for games that could have (and SHOULD have)
been done on the Genesis! And when the Saturn inevitably sways
R+D from the Genny, Sega CD, AND 32X to the Saturn, what will
32X owners have? An obsoleted piece of crap that was supported
for about six months, a much lighter wallet, and no possible
way to afford a REAL entrance into the world of 32-bit gaming.
This kind of garbage is EXACTLY why Sega will crumble when the
32-bit wars really heat up... after alienating their customers
a good three times in that many years with retarded upgrades
and systems designed solely for the acquisition of short-term
profits (hmm... I'm sure the Ferenghis would approve, but us
Hu-maans?...), all the cute ad spots in the world won't
hypnotize them back into the fold.
PHILLIPS' CD-i... Maybe this
wasn't really meant to play games at all, as its makers claim
that it's a "multimedia player" or something of the sort, but
nevertheless, it does, so it belongs here as well. From my
experience with the set, it's painfully obvious that its
hardware wasn't designed with truly interactive, free-form
games in mind... anything that's even remotely in this
category for the system will more often than not have
breathtaking backgrounds but simplistic, choppy play and
crippling deficeincies in its general structure (i.e. no
parallax, poor level design, etc.). And of course, the poorly
acted, full-motion video titles like Burn:Cycle aren't games
in the truest sense of the word, so... chalk up another failed
entrance in the EG world by Magnavox and Phillips. Maybe the
third time'll be the charm, but I won't hold my breath...
NINTENDO'S GAME BOY... And
to think I actually LIKED the thing once! Brr. Don't get me
wrong; the big N's done a wonderful job of supporting the Geeb
with tons of software, but what's the point when the system is
inflexible with next to no I/O slots, has a tiny grey and
green screen that begs to destroy your eyesight, and is
inferior to even the NES, which was created in Japan over a
half decade before it? Ugh. I've had a lot of fun with some of
the GameBoy's games, as have just about everyone else in the
hobby (admit it, guys!), but once you've steamed up the screen
with your nostrils, went through your 17th pack of double A
batteries, and watched whirligigs do the lambada for 3 hours
straight AFTER putting the system down, you really have to
wonder if it's all worth it. It's nice that Nintendo itself
saw what GameBoy players were going through and created the GB
adaptor for the SNES to remedy this, but that has problems,
too... why isn't there a two player mode available? Why won't
the Game Boy Game Genie WORK with the blasted thing? Why does
the actual GB screen take up only half the screen? And the
most important question of all- why didn't the Game Boy come
with an RF jack in the FIRST place?! But enough Andy
Rooney-isms. If you're going to play Game Boy games, check
into the Super Game Boy if you'd like to keep your sanity, or
just forget about the whole sordid ordeal and snag a Game Gear
instead. It doesn't have the same selection of titles, but its
screen is a lot larger, and its graphics completely blow away
those on the Geeb. 'Nuff said.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS...
Y'know, I really wanted to put the Nintendo 64 on my bottom
ten list of systems, but I couldn't find one console on the
list I felt it could honestly replace. So I guess that
means either Nintendo's latest and most disappointing flagship
system isn't really as terrible as I'd like to think, or that
it's so mediocre it can't even steal an award from such
monumental failures as the Emerson Arcadia and game.com.
In any case, I'm not fond of the Nintendo 64 experience as a
whole... I don't like the controller, I don't like the smeared
and vaguely choppy graphics, I don't like Rare, and I don't
like their turning the squirrel from Diddy Kong Racing into a
furry Sam Kinison. This only further cements my opinion
that N64 games are specifically designed for one of two
demographics: immature children and REALLY immature
teenagers. This low-brow appeal and the sturdy cartridge
format has made the Nintendo 64 popular with rental outlets,
but they carry a wide selection of Earnest movies as well, and
I'm in no hurry to get any of
those.